A note

Aside

I just noticed that I haven’t written anything in over a month. Has it really been that long?! Saying that I’ve been busy is an understatement. But we are all always busy. I’ve mostly been working, not getting enough sleep (because NO! I won’t go to sleep at 10pm!), wedding planning (we booked a venue!) , and trying to decide on whether we’re going to make a wedding website. That’s about it, and this isn’t a real post. I’m being lazy and relaxing this weekend.

Figuring things out

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It’s early in the wedding planning, I know. However, childhood anxieties bubble up to the surface whenever I start talking about planning this party. Flashbacks to birthday parties my “friends” didn’t bother attending. What if nobody shows up to this thing? Oh, I really don’t have (m)any friends. Flashbacks to times when I would move through the paces, do my schoolwork, and keep to myself while being ignored by classmates and teachers. What if the people I invite just don’t care? Flashbacks to a time when I was too painfully shy to make new friends. I hate being the center of attention; can we just go to Vegas? I know these are just childhood insecurities trying to haunt me. For the most part, I haven’t had a problem with knocking them out and throwing them out with the rest of the garbage.

Most little girls dream about their weddings and seem to know exactly when they want when the time actually arrives. I was never one of those girls. I didn’t dream up all of the details regarding the perfect music, setting, dress, or food. I always just assumed that, yes, I would have a wedding and then be married. That’s as far as I ever got.

Now that I’m actually at the point where I’m trying to plan one of these wedding things, I’m still trying to figure out what to think about the whole process and one-day blowout. I don’t want a cook-cutter wedding, but I don’t want to stress about flowers, decorations, or who’s wearing what. I don’t want to be responsible for making sure a venue has been properly decorated or cleaned up at the end of the night. I don’t want to spend an arm and a leg for this milestone in our life together. I don’t care about floral arrangements, paper lanterns, twinkle lights, or tea lights. I don’t care if we get a honeymoon to some exotic place we’d never thought of visiting before.

I seem to know all of what I don’t want, but what do I want? I just want to show up, marry the man I love, and celebrate with our friends and family.

Unfortunately, it’s not all that simple.

In the process of the beginning stages of planning, I’ve found that I do care about floral arrangements: I’m going to make them myself out of pages from books, pretty scrapbook paper, and enjoyment. Our music will be a carefully-crafted playlist that reflects our musical tastes and nerdy inclinations. The food will be something we love to eat and, hopefully, from one of our favorite places. I suppose it’s the details which really make the wedding memorable.

I am still figuring things out and working through my feelings. This wedding planning thing is still new to me, and, luckily, I’ve been blessed with a helpful, supportive fiancé and close group of friends and family.

Searches

Aside

The top searches people used to find my blog: etymology of cake, and cruel noncommercial mistresses. That’s not odd at all.

It is the end

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Oh! The end is nigh.
And soon this will be no more.
One chapter now ends.

Another chapter
begins – now, intermission.
The horizon swells.

A new beginning -
opportunities abound.
Oh! The end is nigh.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. I’ll be off for a week and a half, and then I start my new full-time job June 2.

Always waiting

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I sit, and I wait.
Always waiting – forever.
Flowers bloom; leaves green.

An eternity:
I’ll wait for you quietly.
Snow buries the ground.

No amount of time
will keep us from our future.
I sit, and I wait.

With this, I’m content.

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Few things in life are
reassuring, but you are.
Your love is a sign

Of something greater
than the sum of its pieces.
Your heart is a light,

A beacon of hope,
through the darkest of my days.
Your strength is a stone

To which I may cling
when I have misplaced my own.
Your gaze is a wave

Crashing into me -
unsettling, for you see me.
Your mind is a clue

Of understanding -
you comprehend who I am.
Your touch is a flag:

You have claimed me as
I have claimed you. A perfect
puzzle piece-like fit.

I am reminded:
You are mine, and I am yours.
This is love’s content.

Adjust your tracking

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Memories: fuzzy,
pixelated, rough, and vague
Adjust your tracking

With clarity comes
close examination of
Once blurry visions

Nothing is as it
seems – former thoughts lingering
Buoyed by crashing

Waves swell as the tide
rises and falls – fight back now
The war continues

Thinking thoughts anew
Same visions, different view
Perspective matters

Reality lies
With time comes truth: acceptance
The never ends

Battle plans and troops
Reinforcements are coming
Calm before the storm

The haze clouds your mind
Lines distorting the picture
Adjust your tracking

Nothing is as it
seems – it’s a matter of fact
Logic, facts, and truth

What is true is false
What is false is true – context
It’s all relative

You are enough, and
You are vital and worthy
Reclaim yourself now

The media lies
You are not getting the truth
Ignorance: not bliss

Defeat the monsters
of your mind with confidence
Positivity

Despite what your thoughts
and others say: you’re precious
Remember this truth

Memories of a
life unlived – a life on pause
It’s time to press play

Focus the picture
Nothing is as it appears
Adjust your tracking